Cole Tyler

I’ve been reflecting on this trip for the past few days and there are so many thoughts going through my mind. From when I wasn’t much more than a nuisance and the crew didn’t accept me to when Captain Carbajal finally approved of me in Columbia. This entire trek has been memorable to say the least.

 

The only regret I have is that we had to go through some tough times to get here, in particular Diego. I’m not sure if that will ever leave my soul, but I kind of don’t want it to.

 

We’re on the precipice of rounding the Horn and I can’t help but think back to being 8 years old and seeing my grandfather’s journal for the first time and formulating this dream. It’s funny, but I can even recall when I learned that once a sailor rounded the Horn he was able to place his elbows on the dinner table.

 

I can also remember the day that I left and by “left” I don’t just mean left home. I left my family, my friends, my life, and Adelaide.

 

I wish she understood why I was leaving at the time, but to be honest, I’m not even sure I understood why I was leaving.

 

You see, I have always wanted to change others, change someone’s life in one fashion or another and I initially thought this trip would allow that to happen. But in reality, the life that’s truly changed on this voyage has been mine.

 

Off to the deck,

 

Cole

 

Got this e-mail from her; thought you might enjoy a good read. I know she’s pissed and I actually understand her issues with me, but as mad as she is, I can only remember her one way. (check out the picture)

Thinking of Adelaide

 

 

LETTER (e-mail)

 

I actually believed you were coming home. And as angry and hurt and
many more emotions I don’t even care to list, I can’t even think
straight right now. It is difficult to even type. I’m shaking. My
tears are leaking into the keyboard. I don’t know what to say. Um…so
you obviously didn’t come home. Pretty sure “Maya” had to do with that. What the FUCK?!!!!!!! I don’t even know why I am writing to you. Actually, I
think based on impulse, I’m worried and as much as I HATE you right now I need to know you are ok. I can’t live like this. You’ve driven me
completely insane. Back and forth, back and forth. Waiting on your
decisions. Can’t do it anymore. Just need to know you are alive and
ok. That’s it though.  Don’t want and/or need to know anything else
about you, EVER. Goodbye Cole.

When I was a kid my grandfather used to constantly tell me that no matter what, “listen to your heart.” Well just a few hours ago, I did just that.

 

You see, last night was Maya’s final night with us so we all took her out to eat in Miraflores. A great night as we ate, drank, and danced (or attempted to).

 

We all had a blast.  It’s kind of funny because half of the crew seems to protect Maya and consider her as their sister and half of them protect her because they want her.

 

Regardless, she and I hung all night. As we laughed into the night I felt my heart being lifted to a place that it has never been and I felt as light as a feather as we danced. While that easily may have been the tequila, it was also the scent of Maya.

 

As the evening ended and the crew dissipated in anticipation of our morning departure, Maya and I sat alone in the corner of the restaurant.

 

As we sat there, it seemed as though the music got lighter and our souls got closer. From the smallest touch on the wrist to her subtle brush of my leg, I felt like I did in the 5^th grade when I developed my very first crush on Adelaide.

 

I was giddy, excited, nervous and so relaxed at the same time. A weird feeling as I cannot describe it, but my grandfather also told me that it is impossible to describe love. “You’ll just know it” he would tell me.

 

Anyway, we sat together without saying much for the next 30 minutes before she, in her bold journalistic fashion, turned to me, leaned in and whispered two simple words.

 

“Thank You.”

 

Those two simple, one syllable words sent chills down my spine, lifted the hairs from my neck, and in an almost universally magnetic way, took my head and leaned it in as what followed was the most incredible, passionate, and lustful kiss my lips ever encountered.

 

And in a moment that seemed to last forever, yet end so bluntly, Maya stood up and smiled. She then grabbed a hold of my hand and walked out as a gust of wind was blowing her dark hair back.

 

And it was then, when she walked out, that I fell in love with her.

 

But it was also then, when she walked out, that I thought of Adelaide.

 

Talk soon,

 

Cole

The third day was a little easier, but much more emotional and still wet. As we hiked through the rainforest and the various ruins my imagination came to life. I felt like a kid again as I ran through the wet leaves, swung from the branches, and laughed with our group. One moment in particular captured my soul as I was walking around a bend where a village of 3 households resided.

As I looked at the homes I noticed a young boy, about 4, sitting on a rock. I stared at him and he stared back with his dark, deep brown eyes. His eyes, while not empty with life, seemed void of hope. So I bent down, said hello to the little fella, took his picture, and realized that life is meant to be lived for others – even if you don’t know them.

Waking up at 4:00 AM tomorrow for the walk to the Sun Gate.

And yes, I thought about Adelaide again, but this time it was when we were back together. It was our anniversary and while we didn’t meet on the 50, where we had our first kiss, we met on my Dad’s sailboat.

There, we had dinner and a few glasses of wine.  Our relationship had never been better. As the clouds moved in Adelaide and I began to talk about our future together, marriage, and our love for one another.

Basically, I told her that I wasn’t in a rush to get married, that I loved her, but that I had a dream to sail around Cape Horn that had yet to be accomplished.  And in typical fashion, Adelaide brushed it off as one of my dreamy ideas. But this time I became aggravated and began to sail the boat back into the harbor and of course, into a rain storm.

So our anniversary ended with both of us wet, both of us with a headache from too much wine, and both of us conflicted on what we wanted in life.

Off to bed.

Cole

P.S.

Six weeks after our anniversary is when I left for this trip.

I failed to mention that again I thought of Adelaide today when it started to rain.

 

It was when I came home to visit during spring break of my junior year. I went to the bar with Connor, Jackson and Brady to have a few drinks and a ton of laughs. Also at the bar that night was Adelaide. It had been about a year since we last spoke and she looked absolutely stunning.

 

She ended up taking off and I ended up walking to her house in the pouring rain. After a ton of small talk and her basically telling me I’m still a piece of shit, I convinced her to come outside.

 

There, we sat on her porch swing and, in typical guy fashion, I kept apologizing and trying to place the blame on football, not me.

 

About halfway through my defenseless explanation I realized that something was wrong with Adelaide. I kept prodding, but she wouldn’t budge.

 

Instead, Adelaide’s eyes just filled with water and her tears flowed like the rain as she ran inside.

 

I still do not know what was wrong with her, but my gut tells me she was hiding something horrible.

Was pouring rain all day and still relatively drizzling tonight. After dinner a few of us sat around the fire as I told the men how half of the Checian Tribe hiked down to Cusco from Machu Picchu to fight for their rights. While this history lesson was the crew’s first, they were captivated by each word I said. I told them how every member of the Checian party was killed in battle and how the rest of the Tribe, once they got word of the defeat, fled Machu Picchu for the northern Snow Mountains.

 

Also, as I was hiking today thoughts of Adelaide kept popping into my head. Maybe it was the rain as we always had so many moments in the rain. For whatever reason I kept thinking about how she came to visit me in college during my sophomore season, left to drive home after a game, only to realize that she left her phone on my bed stand. And as you might imagine, when she returned to get her phone she walked in on me making out with some “jersey chaser” chick from the party. After she raced out of my room I followed her outside only to get soaked as she sped away through a huge puddle in her little white 2-door Toyota Tercel.

Making our move…not sure what will happen, but know that I love you all.  In case something happens, please forgive me Adelaide.

 

Cole

Just checked my email and saw this message from Adelaide.  I don’t have much time as the boat leaves soon, so all I can respond with is this –

I’m sorry.

Adelaide, if you read this, I’m sorry.  That’s all I can say.  I hope you can believe me when I tell you I’m not trying to play with your emotions.  I just have to do this.  For me.  If I don’t, I won’t ever be the man you want anyway.  I’ll always be looking over my shoulders thinking “what if?”

I’m off to the boat.  I hope you will give me the opportunity to explain all of this to you one day. 

And for those of you following along this saga, I’ve included her email below. 

Adelaide’s email:

You’re coming home?! Are you serious? Is this for real? I read what
happened but…I mean…really? Didn’t expect that after my last
email. Didn’t even want to read your blog ever again. Brady,
understanding my feelings after everything that has happened, insisted
I read the December 21st entry. I don’t know what to think. What am I
supposed to say? I want nothing more than to welcome you home with
open arms and have things go back to the way they were but things are
different now. Just when I come to terms with the fact that you are
not coming home to me and I have started to move on, you tell me you
are coming home. WHAT THE “F” COLE?!!!!!!! IT’S NOT FAIR! WHY? I
mean…I read every entry. I am sorry about the death of your young
friend. I know you have been running into a lot of trouble the past 2
weeks and I thank the heavens above that you are alive and ok. I don’t
know what I would do if anything ever happened to you. I don’t even
want to think about “what if” situations. You mean the world to me. It
doesn’t exist in my mind. I can’t wait to see your face in front of me
but I don’t know what I will do. Should do. Embrace you and kiss you
all over? Slap you across the face and kick you in the nuts? I am
confused. Angry, frustrated, sad, you name it! Why now? I mean…I read
the entries, but WHY? Why did you ever leave me? WHY? WHY? WHY? And
you lost your phone. And you said you aren’t doing any more entries.
Are you even going to get this? I’m in the dark Cole! Were you able to
get a flight? How long will it take you to get home? I miss you so
much! The longer this email gets, the more excited I am becoming. We
do need to talk about things when you get back. There have been some
changes. I want you to know that I love you. I know that you know
that. I just need to let you know again. If you get this, please call
me ASAP! Be safe. See you soon!!!! Adalaide.

We walked to her beachfront hotel another quarter-mile away, both of us staring at the ocean and both of us sobering up from the one too many shots of grand marnier provided by that bartender, Jaycen. It was around 3:00 AM. 

 

We stopped in front of her hotel and I gave myself a good ‘ol pep talk as she was about to walk out of my life forever. So, like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, I said “what the fuck” and poured my heart out to her. Not sure why I told Maya everything, but I had to get it off my chest and I figured that the likelihood of seeing her again was slim to none.  We both have flights booked to two very different parts of the world.

 

To paraphrase, I told her that when I booked this trip, it was as though I was on some drug. Like the power of the Cape was urging me to it. That by experiencing the majesty of the Cape, I would be able to change the world because the stories I would tell would urge others to tap into their imaginations, be curious, and wonder why . . . and why not.

 

As I told her, my eyes actually began to water as I held my journal, the one Tierney gave me in Hermosa Beach, and spoke about this blog, my writing, Adelaide, and this journey.

 

I told her how I booked this trip because it was my dream since I was a child, ever since my grandfather first spoke to me about its power. I have read about it, wrote about it, and dreamt about it for years and now that I’m here, it’s like, ‘what am I thinking?!?’

 

I mean look at me! I’m just another number, just another person in this over-populated world. I had this vision of changing others and I can’t even take care of myself. I can’t even take care of an 8-year old boy!

 

After my rant Maya looked toward the dimly lit parking lot adjacent to her hotel and she pointed to the kids kicking a soccer ball and asked me to take a look at them.

 

“Cole, those kids wake up every day to this city, to poverty. They don’t know any different. Yet look at them. They still play. They still dream. They still imagine. But their dreams, their imaginations, have limitations, restrictions.”

 

“They don’t get to go on family vacations and see the places you’ve seen. Their minds don’t even allow for them to dream of the places that you’ve lived because they can’t fathom them. If you bail on this trip, if you turn around and go back to where it’s easy, where it’s normal, to where you’re supposed to be…well, then you’re not only a coward, but you’re a phony.”

 

“And everything you’ve ever written in that brown journal is bullshit. And that’d make you just like everyone else and I don’t think that’s you. You’re different Cole. You’re unique.”

Maya then clasped my hands and as her eyes watered so did mine. “Cole, you talk about living the dream. Well, you’re halfway there…what would your grandfather want you to do?”

 

And as I turned toward the ocean to attempt to rid that crater size lump in my throat that was forcing water in my tear ducts, Maya took out her pen, wrote her information on a page in my journal, and said, “Why don’t you meet me in Machu Picchu?”

As the sun began to rise at our backs on that morning Maya gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and then flashed that striking smile once more before she turned and walked toward her hotel.

And yes, after about 15 meters she turned and looked back… and smiled.

And yes, after about 15 seconds after that I looked forward…and toward Cape Horn…and smiled.

 

More later.  Lots to think about.

 

Cole

 

 

 

 

 

 

 At the bar . . . again, as I pretty much drowned my sorrows yesterday.  They have a computer in the corner that I managed to avoid using all day yesterday.  “No Posting Under the Influence!” was Connor’s advice before I left.  I think I pretty much said all I need to say in my last post to Adelaide.   Am trying to book a flight now, but the damn internet keeps crashing as I’m trying to book it. Lost my blackberry when I was running the other day in the streets. Gonna try the phone outside.

Cole